Age 4 is a turning point for me.
I remember the day clearly. I am with my parents at some grown up gathering. There are lots of people there, but everyone looks like a giant to me.
I am standing in the middle of a sea of giant legs. I don’t know where my mom and dad are. Where are they?
I start feeling afraid. It’s like these giants are going to knock me down or step on me.
If I could only find my dad. I’d grab onto his leg and be safe.
There he is! I go over and grab onto his leg. I hear people laughing. Then I realize it isn’t my dad and people are laughing at me for making a mistake.
Now I’m twice as scared. I’m lost, alone and people are laughing at me.
That’s the first day I remember thinking that the world wasn’t a safe place. It’s my first conscious experience of the deep feeling like I wasn’t going to survive. But it won’t be the last.
The following years that feeling of being lost and alone stays with me. I get more mental, which shows up in being good at math and being very, very shy around people. It’s a defense.
But underneath it all, there is fear. No amount of being mental fixes that. And that fear stays with me for a long time.
But there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel. It just takes some time to get to it…
All the best for your health and happiness,